


healing

by chogifly



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Panic Attack, and baby boy, but we all love pet names so who cares, copious use of the word baby, fluff?, good ending? maybe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-06
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-23 01:05:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15594825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chogifly/pseuds/chogifly
Summary: he stared.he stared at the city lights below. the amber was beautiful, contrasting with other bright neon colours. he never knew artificial light to be so pretty. car lights crawled across the floor, and he watched the people smile and laugh, something he hadn't done in a while.





	healing

he stared.

 

he stared at the city lights below. the amber was beautiful, contrasting with other bright neon colours. he never knew artificial light to be so pretty. car lights crawled across the floor, and he watched the people smile and laugh, something he hadn't done in a while.

 

he stared at the night sky, the serenity calming his anxious body and mind. moonlight shone onto his face, an iridescent glow taking control of his features. firework lit up the sky, the iridescent glow shifting different colours, pink, orange, green, blue, purple. there weren't any stars tonight.

 

he stared at the sea. waves gently overlapped each other, soft crashes barely filling up the empty silence of the balcony. it was tempting, the water was so peaceful and calm and it was so easy to just walk in, and keep walking, walking until he couldn't breathe.

 

he listened.

 

he listened to the happiness of people, their joyful laughters filling the air with a bright atmosphere. it was something he couldn't describe, contagious laughter passing onto friends.

 

he listened to his body. the thoughts racing in his mind, quick, fast despite the small calmness the moonlight gave him. his heartbeat, erratic and jumpy, blood pumping around his body quick. his breathing, slow and steady, contrary to his heart, his mind, his blood.

 

he listened to the silence of his apartment. deadly.  tense. unsettling. where was he? where was johnny to comfort him this time? why wasn't he home yet? why isn't he home yet?

 

he felt.

 

he felt the wind pass, threading itself through his hair, encasing his body. a shiver ran up his spine, he was only wearing boxers and a large tshirt, but it was paid no attention, gaze still upon the streetlights. he hadn't worn a jacket, in fact he was in a large white shirt and some boxers he dug out of the wardrobe. empty.

 

he felt the anxiety crawl up his body. slow, but strong. light, but stinging. his arms started to numb, pins and pricks suddenly taking its job to pain him. trembling, his head hung down, suddenly looking at his bare feet rather than the sight below. empty.

 

he felt the emptiness. numb and cold. tired and still. his throat closed up, but the feeling still remained. empty. empty. empty. empty. empty. empty. empty. empty. empty. empty. empty empty. empty. empty. empty. empty. empty. empty. empty. empty. empty. empty. empty empty. empty. empty. empty. empty. empty. empty. empty. empty. empty. empty empty.

 

footsteps echoed in his ears, but he didn't move. strong arms encased him from the back, and he tilted his head back to rest on the shoulder behind him, leaning his body weight behind.

 

"jaehyun, baby, come back to me. i'm here, don't worry about anything now." jaehyun didn't respond, eyes distant. johnny turned him around, concerned, and saw the slight change in the deep, cold eyes, a shift at somewhat recognising the male in front of him. "that's it baby boy. it's me. i'm here. you're not alone anymore sweetheart." johnny lifted jaehyun up, legs wrapping around his waist and took them both to the bedroom, making sure to close the glass door for the balcony.

 

johnny had known this would happen. jaehyun has been out of it for the past few weeks, it was bound that jaehyun would suddenly lose his sense of everything.

 

the door to their bedroom was already open, and the sheets on their bed was messed up, a sign that jaehyun had tried and failed to go to sleep before. johnny sat down on the bed with jaehyun on his lap, fluffing out the pillows and cushions before laying the smaller on them. the white duvet encased jaehyun, and johnny undressed leaving his boxers on, before sneaking under the covers and hugging him.

 

their legs tangled, and johnny wrapped his arms around the shivering boy. he kissed the boy everywhere he could, his forehead, his neck, his chin, his jaw, his nose, his ears, his collarbone. the elder nuzzled his neck, placing kisses everywhere.

 

“i miss you baby. i know you can come back to me, i know it. you’re my little baby boy, nothing can hurt you. you’re safe here jaehyun, you’re safe in my arms and nobody can hurt you or take you away. don’t worry baby, just come back to me. i miss you.” johnny murmured, feeling jaehyun slowly come back to his senses.

 

whenever jaehyun had these... _attacks_ , it usually took a long time to get him back to the real world. this time, however, it took him _extra_ long, three weeks. three weeks of emptiness. three weeks of looking in the mirror, forgetting what he was doing. three weeks of his body refusing food, his body refusing feeling, refusing johnny. it took him extra long to come back, but he was in the process of healing and johnny was going to be there for him.

 

“j-johnny?” jaehyun mumbled, regret slowly poisoning him, lacing him up with guilt and bitterness. eyes gazed at the older, who had him in a tight and secure grip. johnny smiled.

 

“there’s my boy. how are you? i missed you, love.” and with that sentence jaehyun broke down. he made johnny wait a long time. he made johnny take care of him when he was busy. he made johnny feel _unwanted_. salty tears left jaehyun’s dark eyes, and his pinkish-red bottom lip quivered as upset whimpers left his mouth. sobs racked his body, and jaehyun clutched onto johnny’s shoulders, afraid that the other was mad at him.

 

“i’m sorry... i’m so sorry. i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry please don’t be angry with me i love you so much i’m sorry.” the same words were repeated, and johnny felt his heart shatter. those words.... he never wanted to hear them again. he shifted the two, so that they both sat up against the wall, jaehyun in his lap shaking. a frown painted his face when his arms circled jaehyun’s waist. jaehyun had always been skinny, but... he was now too skinny. he lost so much weight in 3 weeks and that was...

 

dangerous.

 

jaehyun’s head was cradled and his body was slowly rocked back and forth, johnny humming quiet shushes in his ear.

 

“no no sweetheart, it’s okay. i’m not mad, i never will be mad i love you too much. don’t apologise. i love you baby, i love you so much.” johnny made jaehyun face him. “i really love you so much you know? i love you so much, i want to protect you and keep you from harm but i can’t and that frustrates me so much, because i can see that you’re hurting and i hate it. i hate it _so_ much when you hurt, because i love you and i don’t want anything to hurt you. even yourself.” jaehyun closed his eyes and sobbed. “don’t ever apologise for things like this. i know you can’t prevent them, and i know you don’t choose to have them, so never apologise for something that is out of your control. i love you so much baby.” a kiss was pressed to his cheeks and forehead.

 

johnny’s heart bled at the broken sobs that left his lover’s lips. it was heart wrenching, truly, and johnny felt so helpless he wanted to cry himself. throat closing up, he closed his eyes and murmured i love you again and again, until jaehyun’s sobs died down and was now just a quivering mess. johnny threw a blanket around them both.

 

jaehyun wasn’t okay. he wasn’t happy, or content. he was hurting, and in a state of mind that wasn’t safe. but johnny’s words always rung in his mind. that it was okay, to not be okay. it was perfectly fine to not be happy, to be angry and sad and frustrated. he was in a process of healing, and johnny was going to be with him with every step, whether that be talking to a professional or dealing with tantrums. but he was healing.

 

so with that comforting thought, jaehyun fell asleep with his head on johnny’s shoulder, the latter smiling, a shift at the corner of his lips, before kissing his forehead and closing his eyes.

 

“i love you jaehyun. i don’t know what i would do without you. goodnight, my little prince.”

**Author's Note:**

> hi
> 
> it’s me
> 
>  
> 
> again with the johnjae stories


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